>Dirty Garnet: Dug up, uncut news inlaid by unbribed freelancers

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Dirty Garnet Administration Executive Icon of Executions

Huge cuts, forecast job losses and general strife were today announced as the wroughtings Britons will face. A few years ago an ebullient Chancellor announced his advanced economic formulae put an end to boom and bust forever, yet in proud confidence we didn’t see the precipitous fall ahead. A fall engineered by a bunglingly boring bloke from somewhere near the mountainous north whose name…er…well whatever.

These announcements were prefaced by what Dirty Garnet has learned intends to become a ‘time-saving economic symbolist gesture’. Or rather two gestures which are/is actually one reversed. We are speaking of the thumbs system which is infesting certain websites, especially media websites where journalists (true to unstylish vacuous form) implemented the measure without explanation or indeed sentient thought.

Thumbs up - Gun removed.

Gun removed.

A violation had occurred, an offence as burdening and resource consuming as Eric Pickles entering upon an unsuspecting restaurant, squeezing his assets around a family-sized booth and proceeding to order copious amounts of exotic sustenance. These establishments are often owned by non-white ethnic ethnicities people: therefore protests of gluttony, greed, or unreasonable use of a public salary are at worst outright racist and at best slightly racist.

The thumbs are like what happens once that spicy cuisine is digested: flatulance so invasive, so fiercely abhorrent, so pungently bovine as to drive those nearby into a fit of distempered disgust. Who asks for thumbs? Nobody except the Mongolians who prize the thumb-bone as a necklace bit. If you take time to comment, would you want some wordless affirmation of approval or disapproval? Perhaps, but meaning is only present in opposition or grovelling expressed in words.

One website owner with severe links to academia told our editor: “Listen Pete, you can’t just call this system pointless and aggravating even if it is pointless and aggravating. There’s something else here; nobody can afford the time to piss about replying to topic comments anymore – people and especially journalists today are in the midst’s of wage slavery. Every minute of wire story making or burger flipping counts.

Thumbs down - Hanging from tree.

Upside-down tree hanging: Thumbs down.

The quality cuisine we eat and quality stories we see in dozens of publications day by day do count: Respectively they allow Britons to gain enough weight to stave off high heating bills, and permit a degradation of mind which allows many employed in our nation to find impending menial work very agreeable. Contributors to a thumb-segregated website must face the facts: A fat backside and important tales of celeb adultery or wrongdoing outweighs any intellectual engagement.

Dirty Garnet‘s offices became bored and lazy at such hollow thumbings: a self-inflicted drudge oft-excused by journalistic parlance – ‘a slow news day’. We all pitched in and devised nine questions which were mailed to selected websites who may reply in words or with a mocking piece of paper which will be a thumb up or thumb down depending on how we rotate the indecipherable A4 rectangle. Our editor, having been promised by one website a lucky bag complete with Halloween mask and sherbet dib dab on reaching 100 down-thumbs giddily sent off the queries:-

Questions about the thumbing system present on your website:

1) Is there a point to it? If so, what is that and shouldn’t you do indexes as they’re pointier?

Austrian beer-house owner sanguine at this year's Oktoberfest.

Austrian beer-house owner sanguine at this year’s Oktoberfest.

2) Am I allowed to continually thumb down my own comments or is this banned under rules suppressing anti-favoritist false modesty?

3) At 1000 thumbs, will you give away a Nintendo DS with Wario Wars for different or as the case may be better diabolic use of thumbs?

4) With hitchhiking now banned is the system a quiet dig at apparently needless authority?

5) Were any Roman Caesar alive today do you believe he’d thumb up or thumb down the manner which his gesture is used on the website?

6) Will the 100 thumbs’ lucky bag sherbet dib-dab be orange or cherry flavour?

7) Do you see any irony in the fact the majority of on-site thumbs are put in place by index fingers?

Thumbelina - A tale of a struggle for love poorly tributed in animation.

Thumbelina – A tale of a struggle for love poorly tributed in animation.

8.) Is the symbolic simplified struggle for love and happiness most wannabe hacks and current (especially redcurrent) hacks secretly hanker for expressed in the system as in Thumbelina?

In theocratic states liberal progressives are proposing thumb amputations as punishment in lieu of the entire hand getting lopped off. This isn’t a question, it is fact gleaned when I researched customs for my 23rd earlier this month. Apparently in nations where Arabic is spoken people give presents to others on birthdays rather than receive them:

This gave rise to the phrase “Ullumbaha bin talaboon Al-Megera kitkat.” Or in English: “Oh shit my birthday is coming up and I’m broke.” – in the 12th century they’d amputate the thumbs of those averse to keeping to the tradition, or stingy ones who gave everyone cheaply woven head-towels.

Thus it’s merely full-circle back to those permissively wild counter-cultural Middle Ages. Like clamshell bricks to Star Trek. Yet…

9) How will you deal with the first thumb amputee who complains about emotional anguish from witnessing flagrent thumb ups or downs?

Answers to all of these questions are wanted and indeed necessary as my thumbs approach being as stiff as Danny Dyer winding down from a paralytic bender: rendered brittle by prolific self-use, or it be abuse: thumbing permits intense interaction with body parts in ecstasy. That spectator you saw on the Sky Sports Liverpool/Everton derby the other day idiotically thumbing his wiggling earlobes in fits of emoting? – me.

Hitchhiking The Daily Star way.

Hitchhiking The Daily Star way (token thumb amputee).

This e-mail was dictated to a workhorse chimp as I was busy doing an ASCII text of the iconic ‘middle finger’ on my mobile to direct at friends and enemies alike. I’ve veered a good couple of inches offtopic now but look forward to answers: Save my chimp!

Clarity may, brains willing, be impending. Having now toyed with appending flagrent thummery to this website we realized that a choice of five or so popular hand gestures would better convey others’ opinion of comments. However choosing between such gestures requires so much thought the destitute clockwatching Britons may find it too confounding. They may, indeed, have to forego reading this site entirely or embark on spiritualist benefit claimant sabbaticals or joining the travelling community.

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